'Disgusting' stories

Yesterday, Chrys' crazy cousin landed up at my place. Everytime I spend a few hours with her, I am exhausted. Good or bad, it's never boring spending time with these eccentric Parsis. So Dee is a tiny bundle of high-strung energy. She is a photographer, painter, wildlife enthusiast, manic driver-while-applying-nailpolish, and general go to person if you've got a snake or lizard terrorizing your home.

She once caught a cobra from some suburban housing complex and brought it home in a little bag or pillow-case and placed it on her dining table. Her mother saw the bag moving and almost had a heart-attack. Just a few days ago while her entire household was freaking out and standing atop tables and chairs screaming about a little lizard, she calmly picked the tiny thing up and freed it outdoors. This is the same girl who spent two hours digging her bright red finger-nails into my arms in fear while watching a movie coz it had giant spiders terrorising some children.

Yesterday, I offered to serve Dee the dudhi my cook had made for lunch and she made a face. Then, I suggested eating out at Britannia, the most popular Zoroastrian-run restaurant this part of town. She jumped at the idea and from the moment we landed at the quaint little place in Ballard Estate she started clicking pictures. We had a nice fish-patra and were just about to dig into a mutton berry pulao when her phone rang. Another animal (or amphibian) emergency. It was a friend calling from Kalina. A little frog had gotten into her bathroom and was nicely swimming in the pot. The friend was screaming so loudly on the phone that I could hear her across the table. Dee kept saying, "Calm down, it's only a frog". Then her friend said something that really got Dee riled up... "It's disgusting!". Dee almost had a fit. She sternly admonished her friend, "It's not disgusting, it's beautiful. It's a frog. Share your planet!"

Finally it was decided that Dee would go over after lunch and fish the frog out of the pot. Her friend suggested using a spoon and Dee just angrily brushed away the idea saying, "I don't need a spoon". When I left her, she was trying to find a place where she could buy gloves coz she didn't want to put her hands in the 'disgusting pot'.

Krupaya thodi der baad koshish karein

So my cousin who is studying to be a Vaidya (Ayurvedic doctor), has completed her course and called me yesterday to inform me of her really good results. I asked her what she would do next. She said that she will join a one-year 'insurgency' at the same medical college that she studied at. I think she probably said 'intern-ship' or 'residency'... lekin phone line kharaab thi.
Police ko bulau kya?

Rain rain go away

Since the past week or so I have been really excited about Mamaji and his family visiting us from Kerala for a couple of days. I planned and planned... drew up lunch/dinner plans, made a list of places to take them sight seeing, booked them comfortable return tickets, cleaned every corner of the house. All in all I was super excited.
However, this morning my Mamaji called to cancel because he is unwell. One of legs had to be partially amputated several years ago due to a train accident. It has become infected due to rain water and he needs to rest it. What a bummer :(

The race

Everyone knows that an important factor during the courting period is to pretend to love a person for who he/she is. The key word here is 'pretend' because the moment you get married you start 'training' each other to change into a person you can live with.

The training starts right at the mandap or altar or registrar's office. No really! Haven't you seen Hindi movies? The man says to his wife, 'Ma ke paer chuo'... that's training - lesson no.1. My mummy is my world, you better respect her. The girl isn't far behind. She accepts lesson number one coz she's got a trick or two up her sleeve. She offers unlimited - as Sheldon would say - 'coitus'  for the first month or so and then... holds it back as a bargaining tool. 'Your mummy is mean :( , she doesn't iron my clothes, or give me bed tea.... what is worse, I have to operate the washing machine myself!!!'.
The boy at first will ignore these things and hope that things get sorted out soon. But then a guys gotta do what a guy's gotta do, so he gives in. They shift out into a new home to avoid conflict.

There further training begins.
'Make the kind of sambhar or khichdi or papad or boiled water... (it could be any thing) just the way my mummy used to make'
'Why don't you wear more sexy clothes?'
'Why do you wear clothes that show so much cleavage?'
'When will you wear the sexy lingerie I bought you'
'Why do you spend so much on lingerie, who's gonna see it anyway?'
'Why don't you ever finish the food we have ordered?'
'Don't touch my electronic stuff'
'Don't make dog-ears in my books'
'Don't go tidying up my closet, I like the mess in there'
'Don't laugh so loud in public'
'Don't talk so much on the phone'
'Don't put starch in my underwear!'
'Don't drag me for grocery shopping'...

The girl meanwhile has her own stuff going on-
'If you want, you eat what I cooked or go back to your mummy'
'Is your chacha going to pick up that plate and put it in the sink?'
'Don't leave your towel and shoes lying around the house?'
'Do you HAVE to listen to music SO loud?'
'Why do you order so much food in a restaurant?'
'Don't eat from my plate'... a little later.. 'I can't eat anymore, can you finish this?'
'For once why can't you wake up before noon on Sunday?'
'Do you have to wear that hideous shirt your mummy gave you?'
'Don't stare at that girl!'
'Don't drink/smoke so much'
'Leave the toilet seat down'
'Don't scratch in public'
'How do you expect me to carry all those grocery bags alone? You have to come with me'...

The race continues. Sometimes the guy is ahead, sometimes it's the girl. There are no clear winners coz the race goes on and on.

If you are unmarried, you will not understand this post. Living-in doesn't count... trust me when I say, a piece of paper changes everything. The important thing is that in-spite of all the training and changing, if you love each other, everyday is an adventure. So put on your training shoes and enjoy the race.

Weekend with a bear

One fine day my little sis called up and asked me to write a one page essay on 'A weekend with a bear'. I ask her why and she says 'Because I said so'.

So I sit down and write the lamest essay I have ever written. She hated it. But what the heck, I'm gonna post it anyway. Here goes...

Weekend with a Bear

When you spend a weekend with a bear, you always get the weak end of the bargain. But in my case it was different. How? Let me tell you.

I am not much of an outdoors person, but I like going camping and driving around in the countryside once in a while. The ‘once-in-a-while’ probably has come just twice in my life. The first one was a total disaster that ended with water all around and a dead frog. But that is another story. This is the story of my second excursion into the wild.

It wasn’t planned. It was a Saturday and I had set out on my motorbike for a nice ride around the hills near my house. All I wanted was some quiet time to myself. I had a backpack which had a couple of books, a matchbox, some frozen chicken, some canned food, some apples and a bottle of Worcestershire sauce. There were also some other knick-knacks that I will tell you later about. The later is now. The knick knacks were a pocket knife, dental floss, Bandar chaap toothpowder, one extra large pajama, one towel - rather frayed at the edges and my phone plus charger – although I didn’t know where I was gonna plug it in.

So, there I was, driving around on my Harley Davidson, feeling like the wind. I had set out in the morning and had covered a lot of distance by noon. The road was winding up a mountain and it was becoming narrower and narrower. There were huge trees all around. Suddenly I felt a commotion in my stomach which told me that I was hungry. I decided to park the bike behind a small clump of bushes and set out into the jungle to find a place to settle down and eat. After I had walked through the thick undergrowth for a while, I came into a clearing which looked like heaven. The light from the sun was streaming through the large trees but not quite reaching the ground. The leaves cast shadows all around and moved with the wind… as if they were dancing. Right through the center there was a small stream running. It had perfectly clear water and was shallow and narrow enough that I could step on the stones and jump across to the other side.

I did just that because the ground was higher there and so a little more dry. I sat beneath a tree and pulled out an apple from my bag and munched on it. Everything was quiet except for the occasional bird or the rustling of leaves and of course the soft gurgling of the stream nearby. After I had finished the apple, I filled some water into my water bottle from the stream and drank the sweet water to my hearts content. Then I sat down to read a little, but about an hour later I started feeling sleepy. So I curled up, put the bag under my head and dozed off beneath the tree.

I woke up a short while later when I thought that I heard someone. I looked around but could see no one, but I felt like I was being watched. The sun was still up in the sky and I was sweating a little. I pulled off my jacket and shoes and washed up at the stream. When I returned I still couldn’t shake off the feeling of being watched. Then, I saw him. He was larger than me, but not that large for a bear. He had thick brown fur, large brown eyes and a round black nose. He was standing on his hind legs and peeping from behind a tree. He was a young bear probably just recently weaned from his mother and never seen a human before. Bears have a great sense of smell and can smell food from several miles away. It was the smell of the chicken that attracted him I suppose. I was terribly scared, for although this was a young bear, he could still be very dangerous. All the horror stories I had heard of people being mauled came to me all at once and I think I fainted.

When I regained consciousness I felt something wet on my cheek. I opened my eyes and stared into large brown eyes. The bear was had his nose on my cheek. I gave a little shout and that scared him. He quickly ran off into the trees again. That surprised me a bit. I quickly wore my shoes and jacket, gathered up my bag and stood up to leave when I heard a little whimper. It was the bear. He was peeping from the trees again and making sounds as if he wanted to say something.

I turned around and said ‘What?’ He got scared again and hid behind the trees. Then slowly he poked his head out again. Then he said something that sounded like ‘Wua wua wua’. Was he repeating what I said? I don’t know yet. So I said ‘Are you hungry?’ He said ‘Wua wua wuaaaa’. I slowly put my bag down. The bear shifted a bit out in the open. I said, ‘Stay there. I will throw you some chicken and then you can let me go.’ I was opening my bag when I felt that the bear was moving. I looked up and said, ‘I said stay there!’

That’s when I noticed that he was limping a bit. It looked like he had hurt one of his paws. But I was too scared to take a closer look. He took my hesitation as an invitation and started walking towards me… limping rather. I stood rooted and terrified. Then, when he was so close that I could almost smell his breath, I shook myself and started backing off. ‘Wua wua’ he said again. I stopped and looked. He was holding up his right paw. There was a thorn in it. I didn’t know if I could help him, but I felt sorry for him. I thought, ‘Let me at least try’. I put down all my stuff and moved to take a closer look. The thorn was stuck close to one of his enormous nails and cut into his flesh a bit. It must have been really painful.

‘Stay still’ I told him… not that he could understand a word! But he seemed to understand and sat down holding up his paw. I gently took his paw in one hand and touched the thorn with the other…. ‘Wua wua wauaaaa’ he cried, but held still. I closed my eyes, sent up a prayer and pulled out the thorn in one quick jerk. ‘Wuaaaaa’ he cried, but not in pain. He was happy and got up and did a little jig which means he went round and round as if chasing his tail. Then he looked up at me and I could swear that he was smiling. I quickly opened up the pack of chicken and offered it to him. He looked at it suspiciously first, but quickly grabbed it and gobbled it up in an instant. Then he ran off into the trees again. I thought he was gone for good and turned to go my way when I heard a ‘Wua’ again. He returned rolling a large water melon with him. He came and put it near my feet as if offering it to me. I looked up questioningly. He seemed to think I didn’t know what it was, so he took it and plunked it on the ground and it broke into several pieces. Then he took one piece and scraped the tender red flesh off it and offered me one piece saying ‘Wua’. I took it that he wanted me to eat it, so I did. It was the most delicious water melon I had ever tasted. We sat down and polished off the rest of it. By now the shadows were growing longer and I had to leave. I patted the bear on his head and said goodbye. I hurried back to my bike still not believing what just happened.

When I returned and told my friends this story, they didn’t believe me. It seems a bit unreal to me too, but all this really happened. I had the most wonderful weekend with a bear and lived to tell the tale.

Random gharelu conversation

Setting: Chrys is watching some WWII dogfights program on Discovery. The narrator is irritating, so are the fossiled budhas featured in it.

Me: What is this dumb program? Stupid old men sitting and reliving war glories

Chrys: Hey, it's interesting

Me: (to the fossiled budha) Go eat your vitamins or something and go to sleep!!!

Chrys: Shut Up! Let me listen to what he's saying

Me: (blocking T.V)

Chrys: Aye, transparent... MOVE

Me: This is all so repetitive. If you see one you've seen all... same old aircraft flying in circles and firing at Germans.

Chrys: No it is not. Strategies and situations are different

Me: No it is not... it's all the same.... some people get killed, some don't.

Chrys: In that case you will say, why watch cricket, every ball is the same.

Me: That is why I don't watch cricket

Chrys: Ok, it's true of any other sport too.

Me: I don't watch any sport

Chrys: That's why you are weird!

My maternal grandfather whom I called Appupa passed away today. He had been battling illnesses after his stroke last year. Since the past few months he was also bed-ridden and needed a full-time nurse to look after him in complete contrast to the way he led his life.

He was orphaned when barely three years old. The three brothers and a sister were then brought up by their maternal uncle whose name they adopted. He was a school teacher and therefore rather strict. They lived on a little island in the backwaters of Kerala. In those days there were no concrete bridges and they had to use boats to travel anywhere. They went to school in a tiny canoe that could capsize with the slightest of shakes. On several days they would swim over to school only to be told to stand outside class for being late and drenched to the skin.

Appupa strived through those difficult times and became a school teacher himself. He was then married to a girl who was an orphan herself, but had a small house and a little bit of land. As was the custom those days, he moved into her house. They had three children and his wife expired after giving birth to their third child due to complications during childbirth. He was left with three little children, the oldest being only six years old (my mom) and the youngest just a few hours. He handed over the little children to one of his wife's sisters and got back to work. However it became increasingly difficult to manage because the relatives were never too keen to take care of the children. They kept pestering him to re-marry. He didn't want the children to suffer at the hands of a step-mother.

Finally two years after his first wife passed away, he married a divorcee with two sons of her own. She was also older than him. He placed a cruel condition, that she shouldn't bring her sons with her. Ammuma (as I call her) had to abandon her sons (one of whom tried to commit suicide by jumping into the river) to the care of some relatives and came to live with Appupa. They had a son together, but never really got along. Ammuma however was a kind woman who became the mother to the three motherless children.

Eventually after the children had all grown up, gotten married and left home, Appupa and Ammuma separated. There was nothing to keep them together and they just couldn't stand each other. Both of them had really strong personalities that clashed.

Appupa was always very strict with his children... they got beaten up regularly for not studying or doing their homework. But all the children turned out fine... they do not use capital punishment with their own kids. Appupa was also strict with his grandchildren, but to a lesser degree.

Appupa had the wonderful happiness of becoming a great-grand-dad when my sister gave birth to her son. One of the pictures I treasure most is of Appupa holding Omu in his arms - four generations encapsulated in that embrace.

I am extremely sad today that Appupa is no more. He and I have had loads of arguments due to the generation gap and me being as head-strong as him. However, I always enjoyed those conversations and over the years missed them when Appupa mellowed down (and I matured with age). To his last days, he remained head-strong and independent minded. The reason he got a second stroke was because he had tried to lift a very heavy branch that had fallen off a tree in the back-yard. That stroke however took away his freedom. On my last visit, Appupa had been walking around with the support of a walker. He had lost most of his teeth and was mostly on a diet of kanji and other soft and liquidy stuff. I had advised him to continually perform the physiotherapy exercises that would make his legs stronger. He argued for a bit and then gave up. Later, I went up to him and apologised for arguing. That's when he said that he had no hard feelings and that in his heart he is glad that his grandchildren have grown up enough to advise him. He had become like a little child who was at the mercy of his children and grandchildren now.

The seventh and final age of man ... Is second childishness and mere oblivion, sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Nut case!

During moments of insanity I fantasise about taking up a job and contributing to putting bread on the table... then the moment passes. In the past year or so I have known the real meaning of doing nothing. When someone asks me what I do all day, I lie that I read and watch T.V. The fact is that most of the time I am doing nothing. Like Krishna said either you are a doer or a non-doer... I'm the latter. I let my brain just settle down and relax in it's gooey casing (with a hard skull around), thoughts may enter and exit but shouldn't expect to leave an impression. I don't remember, so, I don't forget. They don't register, so, I don't dwell on them. I may fall asleep, but I don't dream... it's too much work.

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From Blackadder (BBC)

Lord Blackadder: "What's that around your neck?"

Lord Percy: "It's a small cravat. Apparently, tiny is in fashion."

Lord Blackadder: "In that case, congratulations on having the most fashionable brain in the kingdom!"

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On July 16th we welcomed the newest addition to our family... my nephew Neil. Welcome aboard. Fasten your seat-belt and enjoy the ride :)

4th of July

I was speaking to my lil sis yesterday. Since she stays in Washington DC, her son was all excited about the fireworks they witnessed on the 4th of July. On the same day, they all went to an all-you-can-eat buffet in an Indian Restaurant. There they noticed an American family trying to find something non-spicy in the menu. They would pick up something and then put it away after tasting and finding it too spicy for their tastes. My sis says that they were really weird coz on the 4th of July they could have gone out for a traditional American meal, but chose the spicy Indian food instead which they didn't even like. Maybe the "All-you-can-eat" sign attracted them. Their little kid wore a T-shirt saying "I was abducted by aliens".... no wonder! In the end they settled for the dessert which was kheer. Happy Independance Day ha ha ha!